


Toast the Flame

by SoulNarrative



Category: AFI
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 21:44:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3091451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoulNarrative/pseuds/SoulNarrative
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The fire had burned too hot and consumed it all. Now Davey and Nils dared to stir the embers.<br/>SEQUEL TO 'WHAT'S LEFT UNSPOKEN."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 12870   
> Published: 08/07/2008 Updated: 08/22/2008

 

 

_ I have been a world apart _

_Stuck in between time._   
_Head into the ground I'm found_   
_Falling through fault lines._   
_I feel see-through._   
_Can you see through me?_

_Raise a glass and toast the flame_   
_Just like the old days._   
_Swallow but be careful, don't drown_   
_The new ways you could say:_   
_"Would you change this time?"_   
_I'll begin to change my mind_   
_When you can explain why_   
_I feel see-through._   
_Can you feel me?_

_Could I change one thing?_   
_Could I change your mind?_   
_Shall we burn it just like the last time?_   
_I can't change a thing, can't explain why I never felt it,_   
_Not even the first time._

_Shall we?_   
_Nothing’s different._

_The Fear of Being Found_ by Davey Havok

 

*********************************************************

Davey folded his arms tightly across his chest. He was determined to thwart any instinct of self-protection against the promised pummeling.

He felt something akin to gratitude when the first blow caught him square in the face, causing a spurt of blood to erupt from his nose and an eye begin to swell. He lifted his chin and was rewarded with a fist slamming into his mouth and filling it with the metallic taste of blood. The hard meeting of knuckles and teeth trapped tender lips in between and his lipring split the soft flesh.

The punishment moved lower. Davey doubled over when the fists found their target in his belly. He could only take so much before sinking to his knees.

Once down, the fists were replaced by a foot kicking over and over into his ribs. Davey tried to stay open and upright and hoped for the cracking sound of fracture but the canvas Converse couldn’t deliver the relief he sought. He contented himself with a deep bruising.

He craved cleansing. As much as he hated it, the Roman Catholicism of his youth had left an indelible mark and he needed the expiation of his sins but tonight wouldn’t be the end of it. He was left alive and condemned to bear his merciless conscience.

Finally his tormentor spent his rage and now only muttered curses. In return, Davey whispered his thanks. He knew he had no right to speak of love. Indescribable sadness arose when he realized their time together was nearly over. It wasn’t the intimacy he longed for but it was intimacy nonetheless.

Through the panting of his assailant and his own belabored breath Davey heard a slice of music as the back door of the club opened and then shut again. There was a scuffle of feet and Jade’s voice reached him.

“Holy shit! Dave? Dave!”

Davey looked up to see Jade’s arm in recoil, poised to strike his attacker. But Jade was frozen in place, silent and mouth agape as he recognized the man. Taking advantage of Jade’s momentary shock, the man wrenched free and ran toward the parking lot.

Jade didn’t know whether to follow him or tend to Davey. He snapped open his cell as he bent down to check on his friend. Davey snatched it from his hand and threw it as far as he could down the alley. Jade saw it hit the pavement and shatter.

“Let him go,” Davey grunted as he struggled to his feet. Jade held him and watched helplessly as Nils’ car sped away into the night.

************************************************************************

Nils ran two stoplights before pulling over and pushing “1” on his phone. He hoped Nathan would answer.

“Hey, Nils. What’s up?” Nathan’s voice was warm and casual. He’d been Nils’ mentor and friend for over a year now. He’d completed the therapy group before Nils and knew how hard it was to be the only guy. The women were kind and very understanding but it just wasn’t the same. He’d been abused by his lover for years before finally finding the courage to seek help. He admired Nils’ strength, especially considering how young he’d been at the time.

“I just ran two red lights, “ Nils confessed breathlessly.

“Are you drunk? I’ll pick you up…”

“I’m not drunk. I just…can’t…”

“Nils. What happened?”

There was a long pause and when Nils answered Nathan strained to hear him.

“I saw him.”

Nathan knew that could mean a hundred things so he tread carefully.

“You’ve seen him around a couple of times before, Nils.”

“Not like this…Oh, man, I really fucked up.” Nathan could hear the panic building in Nils’ voice.

“It’s cool, you know I understand. How did you fuck up, exactly?”

Nils was fighting tears. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I was going out the back door of the club and I felt someone touch my arm. I thought it was one of my friends, following me out. When I got to the alley, he stepped in front of me. We were face to face. There was only a foot between us.”

“I felt cornered and I guess I panicked…so I hit him.”

Nathan slowly exhaled and contemplated what to say next. “Okay, don’t guilt trip yourself too much. That was to be expected if you felt trapped. Did he threaten you?”

“No! No. I don’t know. I just reacted. I don’t know what he would’ve done…” Nils bit his lip as he saw Davey’s face in the dim alley again. He had looked anything but threatening but Nils didn’t want to think about that.

“Nils, listen to me. I know what you’re thinking. What you did was in self-defense, whether the threat was real or not.”

“You don’t understand, Nathan, I went crazy.”

That worried Nathan. “What do you mean? How bad was it? Did you leave him conscious?”

“Yeah, Jade came out of the club and saw us. That’s when I ran for it. I’m sure he took care of him.”

“Who’s Jade?”

Nils immediately regretted having used Jade’s real name. He’d been careful during therapy to hide Davey’s and the other’s identities. He knew confidentiality was a given but he didn’t dare risk it. Regardless of what Davey had done to him, he wouldn’t ruin their friends’ lives. That’s why he’d never pressed charges despite his mother’s insistence.

“Umm, he’s Dan’s best friend.”

Nils remembered the shock on Jade’s face when he’d recognized him. God, that hurt.

Nathan’s voice broke into Nils‘ thoughts. “How are you feeling now?”

“I’m okay. I think I can drive home.”

“Good. Call me when you get there. And Nils…”

“Hmmm?” Nils’ mind was drifting again.

“Remember. Remember how he hurt you. Christ, you haven’t even been able to work. He lied to your friends and told them you were an addict. Do I need to remind you of anything else?”

Nils listened carefully and whispered, “No.”

“Don’t pretend he’s changed. You’re the one who spent six months in therapy every week and a year after that doing group work trying to repair the damage. Not him, the bastard.”

Before Nils could respond Nathan broke in again. “And you know I don’t mean just your body. What he did to your mind and spirit was just as bad.”

“I know.”

“Go straight home and do not drink when you get there. You know the rules.”

“Okay, Nate.”

“Love ya, man.”

“You, too. Thanks.”

“Talk to you in a few.”

“Yeah, bye.”

Nils had stopped shaking but his arms were beginning to stiffen. His hands were sore and his knuckles were slightly swollen.

He pulled back into traffic and turned the stereo up loud. He wanted to drown out the image of Davey’s soft, deep brown eyes peering into his. He’d been completely unnerved by the soft smile Davey had worn as he prepared for Nils’ first strike, as if anticipating a kiss. He needed to forget the sensation of his body reacting to Davey’s nearness, even as rage and terror had controlled his actions.

  


 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=7270>


	2. Chapter 2

Jade looked down at his friend as he heavily slept. He’d given Davey enough valerian to take down a horse. Davey had fussed about the repulsive smell and taste but the discomfort of the beating was taking its toll and convinced him to swallow it.

 

Jade shook his head slightly as he remembered the shocking sight of seeing Davey kneeling in the dark alley with Nils above him, hands balled into fists and delivering one last kick into Davey’s ribs.

Jade had grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him around, wanting to give the assailant the thrashing of his life. He barely recognized the man facing him. Nils had changed: his neck was a bit thicker, his shoulders broader, his jaw squarer, his hair shorter. He’d become a man.

It was his expression that made him so alien. The shy smile that would burst into a toothy grin had been replaced by a grimace, lips pulled tight with rage. The wide blue eyes that once lit up whenever Davey entered the room were narrowed and glinted with anger.

He’d also seen shame there when Nils had recognized him in return. They’d been so close. Jade had become the older brother that Nils never had. It had been great having him around the studio helping Smith and the techs. In fact, the three of them had grown so close that people jokingly referred to Nils as the third Puget brother. They had plenty of good times even without Davey.

Jade would have never have guessed the quiet, placid demeanor hid such potential violence. Nils’ temperament seemed to be the perfect complement to Davey’s intense, high-strung personality. Everyone dreaded the rare display of Davey’s latin temper but it was that fire that made him so affectionate, passionate and expressive. Jade had never seen two people so in love.

Now he understood why Davey refused to talk about their breakup. Everyone had been shocked when it happened. They were assumed to be happily living together in Oakland, then suddenly Nils had gone back to Newport Beach and was living with his mother. Both Nils and Davey were virtual hermits for the next year.

Jade assumed it was loyalty that prevented Davey from exposing Nils for the abuser he must be. He was determined to break through the silence and isolation that was surely the cause of Davey’s writer’s block. He’d get him writing  
again.

 

************************************************************

The early morning sun bled through the heavy hotel drapes. Davey didn’t know what woke him. He was surprised that he’d fallen asleep at all. That wasn’t his usual modus operandi.

He pressed closer to the young man curled into his embrace, his back to Davey’s front. The boy’s rounded buttocks curved into the hollow of Davey’s groin and he buried his face in the black hair.

Something was wrong. The shape of the body was foreign. Even the scent began to repel him. It wasn’t the smell of spent semen and alcohol that bothered him so. It was what was missing – _his_ scent, the warm, musty smell that emanated from him as he slept.

Davey roughly pushed away from his sex partner. He wanted to get away, fast. He didn’t want to see his face or remember his name. It was over and he was done with him.

Every encounter ate away at him a little more but he couldn’t stop seeking them out. The nightly pilgrimages to the clubs in search of the young, pale, lithesome boys with the raven hair. They rarely had blue eyes but that didn’t matter. Davey avoided looking at their faces anyway. They weren’t easy to find but when he did, he drew them to him like a moth to a flame.

He’d bide his time while they drank and drank. They’d dance and he’d grind his pelvis into theirs, averting his eyes. When they were barely able to stand he’d take them to the nearest hotel.

Once inside the room, he’d quickly strip them. He’d feed them his cock, being careful not to gag them. More than once, he’d had to rush one to the toilet just in time to vomit all the alcohol they’d imbibed. It sickened him to no end.

Then it was always the same. He’d push them down on their stomachs onto the bed, slide on a condom and fuck them raw and hard. He’d dress and leave them passed out and just as he’d used them.

But that night his body had betrayed him. He was exhausted and his bruised ribs ached, his eyes were still ochre from healing and the split in his lip was still scabbed. Everything hurt, especially his heart. For the first time he eyed the bottle of champagne he’d bought the young man.

He despised him then. He despised him for being who he was and not who Davey wanted him to be.

Davey had slept for hours and the dawn had broken. The boy stirred after he pushed him away. While Davey dressed wordlessly, the young man chattered and hoped he could delay Davey’s leaving. He offered his phone number and said he’d like to see him again.

Davey’s patience with him wore thin. He curtly asked if he needed anything: money for a cab or breakfast. He already had on his sunglasses and his hand on the doorknob. He couldn’t wait to get out of there.

When he accepted, Davey tossed a fifty on the table and slipped out of the door. He felt nothing but relief.

How long had this been going on? About as long as his supposed “writer’s block.” That’s what the band thought was happening and he let them think it. He hadn’t stopped writing. In fact, his head ached with the pressure of the words demanding to be expressed. There were nights when he never slept and wrote like a man possessed.

He guessed that was what he was but he couldn’t imagine ever exposing them to anyone. Once written, he never wanted to see those words again.

************************************************************************

The door of Davey’s hotel room swung shut behind him. He barely noticed his surroundings as he tossed his jacket on the chair and yanked the tie from around his neck, dropping it on the bed.

He was pleased with the show he and Jade had just finished. It had been a special performance and the tour was over. Exhilarating, yes but he was glad it was done. He was tired in so many ways.

The Blaqk Audio material wasn’t as emotionally draining as that of AFI, with the exception of “Wake Up…” That was Nils’ song and when he sang it he hugged himself and squeezed his eyes closed in what the audience assumed were his usual theatrics. No one guessed it was the only way he could get through it.

There had been one disconcerting moment when Davey had been distracted by a man at the back of the crowd. He looked so much like Nils that Davey had been startled and lost his focus, jumbling a verse of the song he was singing. Ironically, it was The Love Letter.

Davey continued to undress and prepare to shower. He was trying to find some enthusiasm to attend an after-party for Blaqk Audio and wondered if the Nils look-alike would be there. At one time that would’ve been all the motivation he needed to send him running but meaningless sex with all these slender, pale, dark-haired young men was fast losing it’s appeal. It would never be enough and he knew it.

Once in the shower Davey turned on the hot water and shampooed his hair. He considered shaving but decided to keep the stubble. It was cool as long as he kept the nail-polish. New life, new look, right? Hardly.

What was he feeling now that the tour was over? He was usually so numb he didn’t even know. Loneliness. He’d thought he’d been born lonely but he knew better now. You had to have something before you knew what you’d lost and he’d had it and lost it.

Nothing seemed to ease the loneliness. His friends occasionally introduced him to attractive men and the exceptional woman. After a date or two he’d graciously end it, feeling worse than if he hadn’t tried at all.

As he lathered his body, his mind wandered. It followed the same path: the destination was always Nils. He felt so guilty when he indulged himself like this but just couldn’t resist the temptation sometimes.

He trailed his hands over his chest, grazing his nipples. He re-traced them again then moved down to his abdomen and on to his hips. He pressed his fingertips into his hipbones, digging in his nails. A soft moan escaped his lips as he brushed his fingers down the length of his shaft and rubbed the ball of the piercing with his thumb.

He became hard and remembered making love with Nils. It had been so perfect. He’d felt so complete as they’d rocked against each other and deeply kissed. How he loved to spoon Nils’s back to him, an armed crooked under his knee, holding him open while he thrust into him from behind. He’d bite at his neck and listen to Nils’ breath catch.

Davey stroked himself and thought of Nils’ soft, loving expression as he worked Davey’s jeans down over his hips, pressing him back into the chair, gazing up at him through long, dark lashes.

His mouth had taken him in slowly. With great concentration he used just the right speed to work his way down to the base then licked his way up to the head again. Down again he’d go until he held all of him in his mouth and he’d begin to suck. Davey groaned at the remembered intensity of the sensation and began to fist himself.

Nils had let him fall from his mouth. He’d stood before him and peeled his slacks off, revealing his own erection. He straddled Davey’s lap, facing him, and took his face in his hands. He tenderly pressed his lips to Davey’s and began to rock against his hard-on.

Davey couldn’t bear it and whispered, “I wanna be inside you. Now.” So Nils would reach down and poise himself on Davey’s cock, pulsing with anticipation. He’d arch against the pain of unprepped entry and exhale. He never protested Davey’s impatience to fuck him because he couldn’t wait either. Since they made love daily it only took a few minutes to adjust and transform the pain into pleasure.

He’d rise and fall on Davey’s lap and kiss him like it was the first time, drawing the passion from his tongue and his lips.

Nils would lift and come down harder on Davey’s cock, pressing it as deep as he could against that place that he knew would send him over the edge. He’d repeat the motion over and over until they were both keening for that delicious release.

He’d graze his mouth over the sheen on Davey’s forehead, relishing the faint, salty taste of perspiration because it reminded him of Davey’s cum. He’d moan his name with such love and wanting that Davey would feel the climax coiling in his groin in response. He wanted to answer Nils’ unspoken command so he’d rise up and collide with his body, hands on hips, slamming them together.

In the present, he tilted his head back and the water hit him full in the face and he had to gasp for air. He came over his own hand and let out a guilty sob of longing. He fell back against the tile and hung his head in shame. He’d lost again to the temptation and his punishment was to live with the knowledge he’d never have Nils again. A piece of him would always be missing now and his life was a sham.

 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=7270>


	3. Chapter 3

The water was turning cold, as cold as his heart. He turned it off and wrapped a towel around his hips before leaving the warmth of the bathroom and falling back on the bed. He threw one arm over his eyes and shuddered as the nightmare began.

He’d never love anyone like that again. He’d never hurt anyone like that again. He couldn’t remember the details and it nearly drove him insane. What had happened that night? He knew he was responsible for the ring of bruises around Nils’ fragile throat but what murderous impulse had brought him to mark him so?

The bathroom had been splashed with blood. He’d almost slipped in it after kicking in the locked door. Nils had been slumped over the edge of the tub, bleeding profusely from the crudely torn gash up his wrist.

When Davey pulled him into his arms, Nils was limp and already unconscious. He knotted a scarf around his arm to staunch the flow of blood. It was all a haze after that.

He vaguely remembered days of wandering the halls of the hospital, waiting with Nils’ mother for encouraging words of his stabilization. When they were finally permitted to see him, Nils had become hysterical when Davey entered the room. As Nils screamed at him not to come near him, Davey had a flashback of sitting atop Nils and squeezing the breath from him with his bare hands.

There had been no reason for it. Only that he had to prove his invulnerability and to hide again the wounds that Nils had unwittingly uncovered. His unconditional love had softened the scabs that had kept Davey safe for so long.

It was mystifying, deplorable and unforgivable. He knew that. His shame was without bounds and that was why he’d welcomed the beating Nils had given him when they’d finally met again. He didn’t deserve even that reprieve.

A soft knock on the door rescued Davey from his miserable reverie. Room service. He’d forgotten he’d called them.

He struggled to raise his voice. “Come in.”

A soft scuffle of feet entered and he instructed, “Just leave it, thank you.” He kept his arm up to cover his eyes.

A weight fell on his chest and his raised arm was pressed painfully above his head. Before he could react both wrists were lashed together there by the tie he’d discarded on the bed. When he opened his mouth to shout, his other tie was roughly shoved in it and yanked behind his head in a tight knot. His jaw began to ache with the pressure.

He looked up into Nils’ face. It was contorted with rage. Davey acknowledged this was the time of reckoning at last.

Nils let his full weight rest on Davey’s chest. Davey suppressed the panic and breathed through his nose. A twisted smile came over Nils’ face as he conceived his next move.

He swung off of Davey and swiftly removed his tight pants. He yanked open the towel cinched around Davey’s hips, leaving him naked and exposed. He was stopped cold by what was revealed.

“What is this?! This…this cross carved into your thigh? What gives you the fucking right, you bastard?! Do you think this makes us even? Do you know how many months it took to heal this?” Nils extended his left wrist and shoved it into Davey’s face. The ugly scar from his suicide attempt was clearly visible. “You did this - you and your fucking mindgames! You drove me to it…”

He stared at Davey and shook while whispering, “Why, why? All I did was love you…”  
He hid his face in his hands and cried piteously. Then the wave of rage built anew until it overwhelmed him and he was shouting at Davey.

“I almost died! I was barely 21 and I almost died! You fucking hypocrite - I’d cut that open right now like you’ve never done but you’d probably get a rush! God, you make me sick. Like some emo 13 year-old, cutting yourself. Yeah, if people only knew how pathetic you really are…”

A cold cruelty overcame Nils and he demanded, “You want pain, huh? I’ll give you pain, damn you.”

Nils climbed back on the bed and pushed open Davey’s legs. He knelt between them and took ahold of his own dick. He avoided looking at Davey’s face as he rubbed it over his thighs and up his cleft. With his other hand, he pushed a dry finger into Davey’s asshole. Davey shook for a moment and Nils stroked himself until he was hard, driven by two years of suppressed lust to complete the abhorrent act.

He lifted Davey’s knees and forced him open wider. Davey bit down on the gag to stifle a cry when Nils suddenly thrust into him. He hadn’t been fucked since they’d been together. He hadn’t even fucked himself and this hurt like hell.

Nils rammed through the resistance and Davey swore his perineum was about to tear. His eyes smarted with the pain and his mind threatened to leave all this behind. He willed it to stay present and experience this.

Nils braced his hands at the back of Davey’s knees and grunted his way to a steady rhythm. He whispered curses at Davey, just like in the alley. He squeezed his eyes shut and dug his nails into Davey’s hips as he came inside him.

The room was eerily quiet except for Nils’ panting. Davey felt Nils relax for a moment as he recovered from his climax. He pulled out while he was still hard and Davey winced as his body released him and the fluid burned the raw skin around his entrance.

Nils moved back up Davey’s body and sat on his abdomen. His weight shifted as he reached for something. Davey heard the hiss of Nils’ belt being whipped through the loops and then he felt the smooth vinyl slide around his neck.

“Look at me. Look at me!” Davey’s eyes flew open as a stinging slap struck his cheek and knocked his head to the side. Nils grabbed his chin and yanked it forward.

“Look at me, you motherfucker. I wanna see what you saw when you were choking the life out of me.”

Davey knew Nils must be reliving those moments. He didn’t know how Nils had suffered in the months following.

He’d gone to respiratory specialists for tests and chest x-rays and been sent away with a clean bill of health. His mother had nagged him about the light smoking he did and his friends teased that he wasn’t tough enough to take the L.A. smog. He took asthma medications that had no effect on the episodes of breathlessness that left him light-headed.

Finally his therapist connected the nightmares of drowning, being buried alive, suffocating in cave-ins and so on with the recent onset of “asthma.” Nils hadn’t told anyone about those terrifying moments of betrayal. He couldn’t believe it had really happened. It was unthinkable that the hands that had brought him nothing but comfort and pleasure had turned against him so viciously.

Worst of all, Davey had lied and told the paramedics Nils had done it to himself. Nils’ mother had cried as she thanked Davey for saving her son’s life. The doctors had told her he’d probably flatlined before Davey had resuscitated him. Nils’ assailant was his savior in everyone else’s eyes.

As he thought of these things, Nils jerked the belt hard and immediately cut off Davey’s air supply.

Then it was Davey’s turn to remember. Fueled by the adrenaline, all the details of that night came rushing back to him. How Nils had struggled for his life, clawing Davey’s hands as they squeezed tighter around his throat. He’d tore at his arms and his legs had thrashed in futile protest.

He saw the wordless plea on Nils’ face before his eyes rolled back and he slowly fell away from Davey.

Then there were muddled memories of Davey breathing life back into him, a naked, frightened Nils cowering in self-defense against the wall, frantically pounding on a locked bathroom door, blood everywhere, the sirens approaching…

In some bizarre twist Davey had tried to take Nils’ life and then saved him. Nils tried to take his own life and Davey had saved him again. None of it made any sense and now it never would. He’d die wondering why he’d done it.

“Let me hide within your black, the still inside your eyes.” Davey lost focus and Nils’ penetrating gaze began to fade along with everything else. The only sound was the hammering of his desperate heart.

 

Nils released the belt as quickly as he’d tightened it and watched anxiously as Davey revived. He’d teetered on the edge of unconciousness but Nils had given him back his breath just in time. All he could hope was that his windpipe wouldn’t continue to swell and kill him anyway.

He pulled the gag from his mouth and untied his hands. Nils tried not to see the pink stain on the white towel beneath Davey.

Nils rolled him into his embrace and held him close as he shook uncontrollably. He listened to the wheezing rasp of Davey’s ragged breathing and feared he’d ended his career, if nothing else.

The realization that he’d actually been able to rape and nearly murder the one person he’d loved more than anyone left Nils stunned. How could he have been capable of such acts fueled by a simple need for revenge? My god, how he had evened the score.

But he knew it was more than that. He’d been obsessed for two years with Davey’s mental state at the time of the assault. A dark part of him knew that the only way to understand was to act it out himself. He had to admit revenge was sweet.

But what was he now? What was Davey? What were they to each other?

It was impossible to get up and leave him now. Jade had left a few messages on Davey’s cell when he didn’t show for the afterparty. Should he return them and let Jade come to the rescue again?

No, this moment was too private. They now shared a bond no one could ever fathom.

The answer was within easy reach. He could find something in the suite strong enough to hold his weight. He knew Davey wouldn’t resist the belt slipping around his throat again. In as little as a minute they both could be unconscious and never even know when the end came.

Nils was sure it was the perfect solution. But just at that moment, Davey stirred in his arms and pressed against him for warmth as he began to shiver. He finally opened his eyes and fought the hazy vision and the pounding in his head. He looked up and searched Nils’ face.

That was it. Nils knew they had to go on, no matter how painful the search to find each other again might be. He grazed Davey’s clammy forehead with a soft kiss. He held him close and listened to his belabored breathing as Davey drifted into an uneasy sleep.

 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=7270>


	4. Chapter 4

Nils jumped at the sound of knocking. Davey’s eyes flew open when he heard Jade’s voice on the other side of the door.

“Dave, open up. I know you’re in there.”

Davey struggled to his feet and cinched the towel around his waist again and headed out of the bedroom. He chose to ignore the pain of walking from the rough sex. Nils noticed how gingerly he stepped and felt sick with guilt.

Nils gently caught his arm. “Davey, your throat…the marks…unless you want to tell him…”

Davey covered Nils’ hand with his own as he thought of the answer. He went into the bathroom and splashed water on his face. He grabbed another towel and wrapped it around his neck as if he’d been drying his hair.

Davey cracked open the door to Jade’s smirk. “Must’ve been some hookup to keep you away from your phone all night. You missed a hella rad afterparty.”

Davey stepped out into the hallway and left the door cracked a bit. He hoped he could trust his voice to answer. The belt had been so tight and it was still difficult to swallow.

Before he could say a word, Jade glanced over his shoulder and caught sight of Nils passing by the bedroom door. He had on no shirt and his unzipped slacks were hanging from his hips.

“Oh hell no!” Jade exclaimed and began to shove Davey out of the way. Davey placed both hands on Jade’s chest and pushed him back hard enough to nearly unbalance him.

“Stop it. I want him here.” Davey’s voice was low but emphatic.

“Are you crazy? You must be crazy! You can’t take him back!”

“Jade… I know you want…what’s best for me… but you don’t know…everything…” Davey’s vocal cords were strained and he began to cough.

“I know enough! I know what he did to you in that alley. I know it couldn’t have been the first time. And I know that’s why you broke up with him all of the sudden.” At the back of his mind, Jade began to wonder about Davey’s voice.

Davey forced out the words vehemently. “You don’t know shit! And it was the other way around - he left me.” Davey faded to a whisper. “He had to…I did terrible things…” Davey doubled over in a paroxysm of coughing. As he did so the towel around his neck and shoulders slid off.

Jade’s eyes grew wide when Davey caught his breath and stood straight again. The burn from the belt was clearly visible around his neck. Jade shook his head in disbelief. For the first time he noticed Davey’s eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks flushed. His voice was obviously hurt.

He recognized it all as symptoms of strangulation. He knew Davey toyed with erotic asphyxiation and had made him promise never to do it alone or with someone he couldn’t trust.

He exploded at Davey. “This is so fucked! I can’t believe you want this!” The pain was evident in his face.

“Jade…” Davey placed his hand on Jade’s arm but he shook it off.

“It’s your life. Do what you want. But I don’t have to stay around and watch.” He strode away before Davey saw the tear fall.

Davey was enveloped by sadness as he watched Jade walk away. He turned and went back into the room, closing the door quietly. He leaned against it and sighed heavily. Looking up, he saw Nils, fully dressed and pulling on his shoe.

“Must you go?” He asked with another sigh of resignation.

Nils held out his hands helplessly. “ Jade’s right, Davey. This is fucked. It will never work. Jade will never understand, no one will. I can’t come between you and Jade. There’s too much at risk.”

Nils thought of Nathan too, who’d done so much the past two years to help him move beyond Davey and all the pain he’d caused him. He doubted Nathan would ever speak to him again if he went back to Davey.

Davey hesitantly replied, “Is that really so important? What can’t be comprehended is eventually accepted for what it is.”

Nils smiled ruefully. “So human nature is on our side? What about our natures? After tonight I don’t know who I am anymore. What’s the point if we’re just going to hurt each other or live in fear that we will?”

“Nils, I’m not asking for anything from you, no promises. To hear your voice once a week would be enough. No strings attached. You’re bound by nothing.”

Davey approached Nils and carefully pulled him against him, fighting his conscience as he did so. He rested his head on Nils’ shoulder and closed his eyes. “This is more than enough,” he whispered.

Nils exhaled and relaxed into Davey’s embrace. He wound his arms around him and nuzzled his hair. He couldn’t believe it had been two years since they’d shared such tenderness. How could he feel so at home in this man’s arms, after all they’d done to each other?

Nils lifted Davey’s chin and ghosted his lips over his mouth. He pulled back a bit and rubbed Davey’s chin.

Smiling, he said, “I don’t know if I like this stubble. Doesn’t matter anyway – it’ll go the way of the false eyelashes soon. Man, I thought you were hot in lace gloves and eye shadow but this suit and tie look is gonna kill me.”

Davey was nonplussed by Nils’ flirtatiousness but didn’t resist when he placed a light kiss on Davey’s rough cheek. Nils hesitated before moving down his jawline. Involuntarily, Davey tilted his head back and invited Nils to kiss his throat.

Nils pulled back and snickered an afterthought. “Jade just looks like a school teacher. He should stick to skintight white. He has killer legs and ass.”

“Huh?” Davey was momentarily thrown off -balance by Nils’ candid observation.

“Never mind,” Nils smiled reassuringly.

He couldn’t resist following the sinews down Davey’s neck with his lips. He saw the cruel line the belt had left there and he felt his stomach knot. He wanted to turn away but just then Davey tightened his hold around his waist and pressed his hands into the small of Nils’ back.

“Don’t stop,” Davey breathed. He was willing to take whatever Nils would give although it had ended in violence and pain earlier. It had just been payback, as far as Davey was concerned.

“Davey, I have to ask…because there were rumours that you were screwing around…I even heard a guy at a party bragging about being with you. He said you were short on romance but long where it counted.”

Davey cringed at the crude comment and how it revealed his callousness. He remained silent with nothing to say in his own defense.

Nils added, “Actually, it was kind of creepy ‘cause he looked so much like me.”

“As you said, I am pathetic,” Davey admitted as his voice trailed away.

“Then I must be too because deep down I was flattered and glad that maybe you still wanted me. Or at least someone like me.”

Davey held his breath as Nils’ confession stirred hope in his heart.

“And I should be really flattered ‘cause I heard there were many of me.” Hope died as a wave of shame washed over Davey.

Nils laid his hand on Davey’s cheek. “That was a joke, Davey, just a joke. I need to see you smile.”

Davey looked at him in disbelief. Nils ran his thumb along the outer edge of Davey’s eye. “I missed the crinkles.”

“Besides, they knew who you were. They used you as much as you used them.” Nils rested his palm on Davey’s rough cheek.

Davey braved the question that had haunted him. “What about you? Has there been – or is there - anyone special?” He was sure there had to be as Nils was so young and attractive and it had been such a long time.

“No. I guess I never met anyone who looked enough like you to be worth it.” Nils was smiling but he immediately regretted another failed attempt to lighten Davey’s mood.

“Shit. I’m sorry, Davey. I wasn’t judging you.”

Nils looked away. “The truth is I needed…a lot of therapy and they discouraged getting involved with anyone for awhile…and I just…no one compared to you.”

The self-hatred Davey had lived with since that last night arose with fresh ferocity.  
“Oh god, Nils, I’m so sorry. There’s nothing I can ever do…” He began to back away.

Nils held him tight then placed both hands on the sides of Davey’s head and kissed him forcefully on the mouth. Davey tried not to respond in kind but Nils didn’t let up. He was determined to wear down Davey’s resistance. Two years of masturbating to memories was going to end if he had anything to do with it.

He wanted to pretend the revenge he’d acted out earlier hadn’t happened at all but he didn’t see how Davey possibly could.

Now it was Nils turn to pull back. “Dave, I don’t know how I could’ve done that to you. I don’t know who I was. It scares me shitless.”

Davey didn’t let him loose. “I’m alright. I really am. And I trust you.” He lifted Nils’ chin to bring their lips together.

Nils’ mouth. Davey had avoided kissing any of his hookups because it was sure to break the spell. No one had Nils’ mouth and now that soft, wide fullness was against his for the first time in two years. God, how he’d longed for it. Still, he was tentative in the taking.

The kiss slowly deepened. For his part, Nils couldn’t imagine how this could continue but he wanted it so much.

Finally, he couldn’t hold back. He ground his lips against Davey’s and demanded entrance inside his mouth. Davey gladly gave it and melted into the kiss with Nils nipping at his lipring.

He craved the feel of Davey’s skin on his. “Oh god, Davey, I wanna…”

Davey hands flew to the line of buttons on Nils’ shirt. “Fuck Jade,” he declared passionately.

“Fuck Nathan,” Nils countered.

“Nathan? I thought you said…”

“He’s just a friend.”

With that reassurance, Davey worked on Nils’ pants, opening them quickly with expertise. While he pushed off the shirt, Nils stripped off his remaining clothing.

The towel had fallen from Davey’s hips and they stood naked together. Davey gripped Nils’ biceps and pulled him to him, pleased that Nils had gained some muscle mass. Nils asserted himself and held Davey so tightly against him it almost hurt. They resumed kissing heatedly and let their hands roam and rub freely over shoulders, backs, buttocks.

Davey moaned when he felt they were both achingly hard. Nils had been patient enough and slid his hands down Davey’s arms until he interlinked their fingers. He stepped back towards the bed and tugged Davey along with him. “Come here,” he said and Davey didn’t have to be told twice.

Nils lay down and pulled Davey on top of him. They kissed deeply until Davey broke away and flicked the tip of his tongue in Nils’ ear and kissed his throat down to his shoulders. Nils gasped at the sensation.

Davey was so grateful to have Nils in his arms again. He’d taken it for granted before. He couldn’t explain why he’d never felt it, not even the first time. After two long years of futile attempts to replace the irreplaceable, he had found what he’d lost.

Nils lifted his hips and moved against Davey’s erection. It was Davey’s turn to gasp but he was still unsure of how far Nils wanted to take this.

Davey looked into the blue pools of Nils’ eyes. “Do you want to stop? This doesn’t have to go any farther.”

Nils arched an eyebrow as if he questioned Davey’s sanity. Without hesitation he said, “Go get your lube.”

Davey swallowed hard but made a beeline for his grooming bag and returned to Nils’ side with lube and a condom.

Nils reached up and pulled Davey down into another kiss. Davey laid on his side, propped up on an elbow and played his hand over Nils’ clavicles, nipples and stomach. He noted that Nils had filled out nicely, even if he didn’t sport pecs and a six-pack.

He teased him by tracing the crease between his hip and his groin. Ignoring the erection Nils was massaging, Davey let his fingers ghost over his balls and perineum. He noticed Nils opened his legs wider the closer he got to his entrance. So that was that – they were going all the way.

Without missing a beat, Davey flipped open the lube and coated his fingers. Leaning down, he apologized. “Sorry if this is a bit cool…” as he probed gently for the opening. Finding it, he wriggled in a slick finger.

Davey wanted to be slow and gentle but Nils wasn’t making it easy. Nils pushed against it and encouraged Davey. “You have small hands and a long, fat dick. Make it three fingers.” Davey could barely suppress a groan of longing when he heard Nils’ words.

Carefully, Davey inserted the other two fingers one at a time despite Nils impatience. He sighed as he felt the tight warmth and remembered how incredible it had been to be one with Nils in that way. He moved his fingers in and out until he felt Nils relax and stretch.

Nils reached for him. “Please, Davey, now.”

Davey simply laid on top of him, heart to heart, cock to cock. Nils rearranged his legs so that Davey’s rested between his. Davey rose up on his elbows and kissed Nils’ mouth. Nils ran his hands down Davey’s back and rested them on the swell of his ass.

Feeling the firmness, he commented, “Wow, what’ve you been doing at the gym?”

“Stairs. They are so brutal.”

“Totally worth it.” Nils cupped Davey’s cheeks and pressed him down on him while lifting his hips and grinding against him.

That turned up the heat between them. Nils shifted and opened his legs. Bringing his knees up, he breathed, “What are you waiting for? I want you.”

“Mmm…if you insist…” Davey’s lips curled in a smile as he pushed himself up into a kneeling position. He reached for the condom but Nils tapped his thigh.

“Did you always use one? I mean, every single time?”

“Yes. Of course.”

“Then don’t use it now. And I told you I haven’t been with anyone in all this time.”

“All right… Nils.” Davey had caught himself before he’d called Nils “my love” or any other endearment that waited on the tip of his tongue. He couldn’t let Nils know how much it meant to him that he trusted him like this. And he didn’t want him to feel pressured to match the intensity of the love he felt for him at that moment.

Davey squeezed a bit more lube into the palm of his hand and slicked his cock. He gave the ring that passed through the slit at the head a tug and made himself rock-hard. His thighs slid beneath Nils,’ lifting his ass to just the right height to enter him.

Nils stroked himself faster and bit his lip in anticipation. He reminded himself to breathe as he felt Davey begin to slowly slide into him. Davey’d done a good job of prepping him and he felt no pain at all. He bore down to welcome him in deeper.

But Davey withdrew and shifted position. He stretched out on top of Nils again and kissed him deeply. He’d had plenty of sex with Nils’s surrogates but he’d never gazed into their eyes or kissed them if he could avoid it.

He turned on his side a bit and guided himself in again with one hand after tucking Nils’ erection down between them. It was one smooth motion and Nils softly moaned at the fullness. Davey laid on him and lightly touched his hair. He nipped at Nils’ earlobe and his lips lingered behind his ear, knowing how sensitive he was there. Nils groaned in response.

“Ohgod, fuck me, fuck me,” Nils begged.

All reticence lost, Davey quickly pulled out before forcefully thrusting back into him. He repeated the motion again and again. Nils brought his legs up and wrapped them around Davey’s hips in an act of absolute intimacy that made Davey’s heart swell.

They rocked together and Davey hit that place inside Nils that made him gasp with pleasure. He buried his face in Davey’s shoulder and then bit his collarbone. Davey’s thrusts took on an urgency and a light sheen of perspiration broke out on his forehead.

Nils gripped Davey’s shoulders and dug his fingernails into the strong muscles there. Davey could feel that Nils was getting close and he responded with abandon, wanting to time his own climax with Nils.’

Without warning, Nils tightened and spasmed around Davey’s cock. A wet warmth suddenly coated Davey’s thighs and he grit his teeth as his own cum shot deep and hot inside Nils.

Nils’ legs dropped down lazily as he relaxed in his contentment but Davey wanted this to never end and he continued to shallowly thrust into him until he began to soften. Finally he slipped out and collapsed onto Nils.

He struggled to suppress the tears of joy that stung his eyes and he didn’t see the soft smile of contentment that graced Nils’ face.

 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=7270>


	5. Chapter 5

The months passed. Davey and Nils sheltered the flame of their rekindled love as the fragile thing it was. They took it slow and kept their time together private.

In any case, the distance between them made it impossible for them to do otherwise. Davey could never visit Nils’ family home in Newport Beach again. He knew Nils’ mother would have him arrested on the spot.

She’d never forgive him for what he’d done to Nils. She was the only one who had guessed the truth and he didn’t deny it when she confronted him. It was only the loyalty to the rest of the band she shared with Nils that prevented her from doing something about it. They knew that if Davey Havok went down AFI would go with him.

And Nils would never come to Davey’s home in Oakland again. It held such nightmare memories. Davey had often been tempted to move out of it but it was part of his self-punishment to stay and bear witness to what had happened there.

It had been horrible to return to that house after days at the hospital in San Francisco, waiting for Nils to stabilize. When Davey was finally permitted to see him, Nils had gone into hysterics and forbidden Davey to come near him. Davey had left him reluctantly, believing he’d never see him again.

Davey had completely forgotten what he would face when he arrived home. He’d almost been sick when he entered the bathroom. The acrid smell of stale blood was overpowering and the staining of the tile and porcelain could never be completely washed away.

He’d done all the cleaning himself, tears dripping off his chin as he scrubbed at Nils’ blood.

A year later in that bathroom where Nils had nearly died, he unwittingly triggered a deep need. He’d finished showering and was styling his hair when he reached for the tea he’d left on the high windowsill. He knocked something off and heard it clatter as it hit the floor.

He bent down to retrieve it and froze while he stared at the object that had fallen. It was the cuticle scissors Nils had used to rake open his vein. It was still crusted with blood.

Suddenly it seemed destined that he use it against himself. As if in a trance, he brought the open blade against his inner thigh and cut into it at a deep angle. The line filled with blood immediately and began to seep out in a dribble. Davey watched with fascination as it finally dripped onto the floor.

The deep sting of the incision was followed by a momentary flood of unexpected euphoria and he wondered if Nils had felt it too.

His surroundings faded away and he was with Nils again in those last moments together. He could hear the sirens approaching and feel Nils’ dead weight in his arms as he rocked him, clinging to life. His jeans had stuck to his thigh where the wet warmth of Nils’ blood soaked into the fabric.

That was the first of many times Davey held an imaginary reunion with Nils through the ritual bloodletting. It was more shameful than masturbating to his memory. No, Nils could never sleep under that roof again.

Where then could they be together now?

***********************************************************************

They visited Davey’s hometown occasionally and drove up into the hills for quiet picnics. If they felt like dancing, they’d push back the furniture in Davey’s parents’ living room and dance like teenagers to the iPod.

Their days usually ended on the back deck where they lounged on sleeping bags, a thick blanket covering them while watching the sky for shooting stars.

“This is all very boyscout-campish,” Nils observed dryly.

“Except for what our hands are doing under the blanket…no, wait - that’s very boyscout-campish, too.” Nils could make out Davey’s smile in the dark.

“And the bottle of wine I’m enjoying at the moment?”

“…still makes us boyscouts. But you’d be drinking some cheap rotgut an older boy smuggled in for you in exchange for a blowjob.”

Davey added, “…that is excellent local wine, by the way.” Then as if catching himself, “That doesn’t mean…”

“I know it doesn’t mean you condone drinking it.” Nils took a big swig and swallowed. “And, frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” he joked with a slight slur.

He rolled onto his side and propped himself up on an elbow. Looking down at Davey with an arched brow, he asked, “Now what were you saying about blowjobs?”

Davey matched his posture and leaned in close to his mouth. He whispered, “I was saying how very lucky that boy would be…” Then he gently kissed Nils on the mouth. Nils pressed back against Davey’s lips and slid his tongue over the bottom one. Davey snaked his own tongue in between Nils’ lips and cupped his hand around the back of Nils’ neck so he couldn’t pull away.

Nils had no intention of pulling away. He placed a hand on Davey’s chest and gently pushed him down onto his back.

Nils looked down at Davey and said, “I asked what you were saying about blowjobs.”

“I was saying you give the best blowjobs in the world.” Nils smiled at Davey’s compliment.

“Except for me, of course.” Davey corrected himself and looked quite sincere.

“Oh, really?” Nils raised an eyebrow at the challenge.

“Really,” Davey replied as a matter of fact.

“Well, there’s only one way to find out who gives the best head. We will have a friendly competition. Whoever can make the other come first, wins.”

“I like it. There won’t be a loser in your little contest.”

“I said it was friendly,” Nils grinned mischievously.

Davey flipped himself around so his mouth was level with Nils’ crotch and began to push him down on his back. “One, two, three. Go.”

“Whoa! It’s not fair if one tops. Get those jeans down and lay on your side.”

“All right, I see your point.” Davey glanced down at Nils’ hard-on and smirked. “In so many ways.”

Nils arranged himself so he was opposite Davey in a classic “69.”

“Ready, set, go, baby,”

Davey wrapped his hand around the base of Nils’ penis to steady it. It was so erect it was pushing into his lower abdomen. Davey took him into his mouth rather quickly and gently sucked while his tongue played along it. He curled it up and ran the piercing balls under his tongue up and down the underside of Nils’ cock.

“That’s so unfair,” Nils complained with a moan.

Davey laughed as best he could with Nils in his mouth which just about sent Nils over the edge.

Davey gasped as the suction on his penis increased to be almost painful. “Nils! For chrissake…”

Nils pulled off him completely. “Better?” he smirked.

“No, terrible,” Davey was nearly whining. Suddenly, he realized he had the advantage and slid Nils’ cock into his mouth as far as it would go. Then he relaxed, swallowed and drew it even deeper. He massaged the underside gently with his tongue and hummed.

The vibration was so pleasurable Nils forgot he was still trying to make Davey come first. He threw in the towel and arched his back as the hot wave of his climax hit him. Davey had to pull back quickly to avoid choking on the salty warmth flooding his throat. He couldn’t swallow it all fast enough and some of it leaked from the corner of his mouth.

He was immensely satisfied with his victory but that did nothing for the suffering caused by his own erection. Nils seemed capable of doing nothing at the moment but lying on his back and panting.

Davey put his own needs aside. He tenderly tucked Nils’ now flaccid penis back into his pants and sat up. He took a couple of mouthfuls from his water bottle, swished his mouth and swallowed. Then he poured some into his palm and splashed it around his face like aftershave.

Nils giggled. “Sorry about the mess.”

Davey looked at him intently. “Such a beautiful mess, pretend that you’re appalled,” he quoted himself. He grinned and wiped his face on Nils’ shirt.

Nils groaned. “I hate it when you show off.”

“Now I’m sorry.” He smiled and lay down beside Nils. He took him in his arms and tucked the top of Nils’ head under his chin. He wanted to tell him how much he loved him but he held back the words. He went for jocular instead of romantic.

“Oh, the sweet taste of victory – and you. Seriously, I love the way you taste, Nils. I’d have you anytime.”

Nils was silent, sensing the gravity of the moment behind Davey’s flippancy. To lighten the mood, he said, “You won, you know. Except…” his hand rubbed over Davey’s wilting erection.

“You can take care of that when we’re upstairs in my warm, soft bed. Besides, it’s getting cold out here and I need to piss. Don’t you, too, after all that wine and sex?”

They struggled to their feet and stretched while admiring the stars that shone brightly over the hills. They went to the edge of the deck and prepared to take aim into darkness.

Davey suddenly turned towards Nils and hit the stream of urine with his own.

Nils exclaimed, “What the fuck?!”

Through his laughter, Davey explained, “Now it’s a pissing contest! Haven’t you ever done this? It’s fun!”

“No, I guess we had more sophisticated ways of entertaining ourselves in SoCal.”

Davey aimed right for Nils’ feet but lucky for Nils, his bladder was empty and he didn’t actually wet them. They both zipped up. Nils finished off the rest of the wine while Davey trundled the sleeping bags inside.

Davey returned to Nils’ side, put his arm around his shoulders and pulled him to him. “You’re a snob and you’re going to pay for it in bed.” Nils kissed him sweetly on the cheek, “Oh yeah? Let’s go,” he whispered.

Taking Davey by the hand he led him into the house and up the stairs to the bedroom. He stumbled near the top and giggled, feeling the wine really kicking in.

“Shhh! You’ll wake the ‘rents,” Davey warned.

“‘The ‘rents?’ What are you – 15?” Nils snickered.

“You’re really asking for it, kid,” Davey gave Nils a little shove into the dim room and shut the door.

Nils turned toward him to take him in his arms but Davey’s hands on his shoulders spun him back around so he faced away. “Stand still,” Davey commanded, then proceeded to pull Nils’ tee up over his head. He disposed of Nils’ slacks just as easily. Nils was getting turned on all over again.

When Nils felt Davey against him, he had shed his clothing, too and they were skin-to-skin. Davey stayed behind him and pressed the length of his body against Nils’ back. Nils heard Davey sharply inhale and then exhale near his ear. It tickled and Nils asked if anything was wrong. “No, nothing could be more right. I just want to breathe you in.”

Nils was so touched he suddenly felt shy and wanted Davey’s kiss. He began to turn around but Davey gripped his biceps and held him in place. “No. I like this.”

Nils felt strangely exposed like that, with Davey behind him. He had a sense that they were being watched. He glanced up and saw his own naked reflection with Davey behind him in the floor-length mirror. Nils eyes widened as he studied the image. “Damn, that’s hot.”

Davey’s gaze met his and he nodded in agreement. He ran his hands up and down Nils’ arms and kissed along his shoulders. “You’re so soft, so smooth, almost like a woman,” he murmured against his skin.

His hands moved down over Nils’ belly and his fingers lightly brushed the hairless pubic triangle. “Except for this,” he said as he closed one hand firmly around Nils’ penis and rubbed his thumb gently at the spot on the bottom where the head and the shaft met. “I love this and only you have it,” Davey whispered. He felt Nils’ cock flush with warmth and become hard beneath the tender skin.

Nils moaned quietly and his head fell back against Davey’s shoulder. Davey moved the other hand up Nils’ chest and played with his nipple. Holding Nils against him firmly with hands in place on his cock and nipple, he began to sway a little with him, their hips moving in time with one another.

That created friction and Nils felt Davey’s cock hardening and lengthening against him. It brushed the back of his thigh and Nils instinctively spread his feet a few inches apart so it rose up between his thighs and settled, pressing his perineum and nudging his balls with its head. Feeling him so near his opening, Nils moved his ass back and forth over Davey’s cock. Davey growled when the motion pulled at his piercing.

Davey held Nils’ waist as they continued the subtle grinding. “I want you to fuck me,” Nils whispered and Davey answered him. “Your wish is my command.” The cliché sounded wholly sincere coming from his lips.

“On your knees, bend over the bed, beautiful one.” Nils would never understand why he didn’t find that kind of language hilarious. He would if someone other than Davey spoke to him that way but with him, it seemed perfectly natural. It made him feel cherished.

Nils did as he was told. “Put this under you, the floor’s hard” Davey said kindly as he fitted a plump bed pillow under Nils’ knees. “Want one for your head?”

Nils was growing impatient. “No, just touch me. Can’t wait much longer to have you inside me.” He sunk his fingers into the bedcover near his head in anticipation.

“Mmmm, me, too.” Davey settled himself on his knees on another pillow behind Nils. He kneaded Nils’ shoulders with his fingers before slowly pulling his splayed hands down his back. Having an idea, he said, “Hold on, I have to get something,” and he was off to the bathroom to retrieve the bath oil.

He knelt behind Nils again and leaned forward to kiss the side of his mouth, his neck and bury his face again in his hair behind his ear, one of his lover’s most sensitive areas. He ran his tongue around the shell and snaked the tip of it inside. Nils hissed at the wet warmth.

Davey straightened and uncapped the body oil, filling the room with its brown sugar scent. He poured a liberal amount into his palm and applied it across Nils’ shoulders. With both hands, he worked his way down Nils’ back, kneading the deep muscles as he went. The oil released more aroma as it warmed on Nils’ skin.

He finished at the small of Nils’ back. Davey dug in his fingernails at Nils’ waist and hipbones but not enough to hurt. He took the bottle again and drizzled a small amount into the cleft of Nils’ ass. He spread it over the small globes and finally his hand crept beneath them to the puckered opening that promised ecstasy.

One finger, then two and three had Nils practically writhing and rubbing his hard cock against the bed. “Please, Davey, please…”

“You can’t imagine how much I want you,” Davey whispered, wishing he could tell him how much he loved him, too. He could only show him.

With an oily hand, Davey stroked himself and nudged his way into the entrance. “Ready?”

Turning his head, Nils groaned. “How can you ask that?”

Davey pushed against Nils’ hole and slid the head of his cock into it. “More, I want it all. Fuck me deep and hard,” he whined.

Davey worked his cock all the way into the tight canal. It held him snugly and Davey could feel Nils quivering around him.

“Yeah, that’s it. Give it to me.”

Davey desperately wanted to fuck him with short, hard strokes at first so he pulled halfway out and thrust back into him over and over. He withdrew almost to the entrance before plunging his cock back inside. He didn’t stop until he was breathless.

Nils rose up on his elbows and his back formed a perfect concave arc. “Jesus, you are so beautiful, Nils,” Davey slid his hands up along it until they came to rest on his shoulders. He gripped them firmly to anchor himself so he could fuck Nils’ the way he wanted.

Nils pulled away from Davey’s hands to deepen the arc and create a delicious tension throughout his body. He moaned as Davey drove into him harder.

He slowed to lean forward and kiss Nils’ mouth as best he could. He didn’t think he could last much longer.

Nils pushed back onto Davey’s cock, rocking to his rhythm. “Fuck me hard. Make me come from the inside,” he entreated.

“Like that, babe? Is that what you want?” Davey purred. He hit that ultrasensitive place inside him and Nils groaned loudly.

Davey abandoned himself to the blissful sensations emanating from his cock as he thrust faster and harder into Nils. He broke into a sweat and his heartbeat sped.

“Oh, yeah, like that. I’m gonna cum…” Nils voice rose as he began to shake with his climax. He bit his knuckles to keep from crying out. His body grasped Davey’s cock in hard spasms and Davey finally surrendered to the desire for release. He thrust furiously as his cum pulsed out of him.

Before it slowed he pulled out completely and stroked his cock rapidly over Nils’ ass. A second and then a third shot of cum thickly coated Nils’ asscheeks and lower back. Davey panted a quick succession of “Oh, oh, oh…”

Nils had soaked the bedspread with his own ejaculate and lie exhausted and supremely satisfied. Playfully, Davey spread his own fluids over Nils’ behind. They’d dry and tighten his skin, leaving it so soft after he bathed.

Finally Davey dropped back on his heels and rested his cheek against the cushion of Nils’ buttock. He smiled and kissed it all over before giving it a light slap, causing Nils to gasp and giggle. Davey’s lips and chin glistened with a mixture of the sweet oil and his own cum.

He cleared his throat and said, “I told you you’d pay. Now come and get your receipt.” He rose and pulled Nils to his feet. Nils pretended to swoon into his arms. Davey laughed and held him in one arm while he tossed back the covers.

He lovingly lowered Nils onto the bed. He retrieved their pillows and piled them comfortably against the headboard. He tucked the blankets around their shoulders and settled them both into the warm cocoon where they relaxed in a long, languid kiss.

“I love you,” Davey whispered beneath his breath. He was sure Nils couldn’t hear the barely audible declaration so he was amazed when he heard him answer, “Love you, too, forever.”

They held each other tightly as if they were protected against all the wrong in the world and fell into a dreamless sleep of innocence lost and found.

 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=7270>


	6. Chapter 6

 

 

Davey was ever mindful of his past possessiveness and he was determined Nils never feel dependent. He kept his expectations to a minimum and was simply grateful for any attention Nils chose to give him but Nils couldn’t seem to give him enough.

Nils was working steadily again and it so happened he had a couple of contracts that kept him in L.A. and AFI was scheduled to begin recording demos for the new record there. Usually, Davey would’ve stayed at Jade’s house but they’d never cleared the air between them after that night at the hotel and the strain was becoming obvious.

Nils rented an apartment in West Hollywood and invited Davey to stay there as much as he liked while he was in L.A. Davey knew it was just a matter of time before Jade realized they were together. He felt he owed it to Jade – and Adam and Hunter as well – to come clean before it hampered their work.

Davey had gotten a call from Hunter informing him that they were slotted in the studio the next day. Hunter and Adam didn’t understand why they’d become the go-between where Jade and Davey were concerned but they knew it had to stop. They’d seen many ups and downs between the two friends over the years but this time it was worrisome.

Davey was the last to arrive. The other three men were relaxing and enjoying each other’s company. Hunter and Adam were sipping on Starbucks and Jade had his customary Squirt. Davey came through the door beaming and headed straight for his dear friends.

Without warning, he flung himself at Adam. Adam caught him in his muscular arms with a loud, “Oomph!” The force of the impact spun them both around before Adam set Davey down firmly on the ground. He muttered, “Goddamn it, Davey…” and blushed.

“He always falls for that,” Davey laughed.

Hunter grinned and said, “I see the fairy has landed.” Davey turned to him and threatened, “You’re next, bitch.”

Hunter raised his hands in defense and took a step backwards. “A hug. That’s all you’re getting.”

Davey wrapped an arm around him and rubbed his shaved head. Hunter squeezed him as hard as he could and Davey absorbed the affection.

“I’m psyched, Hunt. Are you?” Davey beamed.

“You are glowing, man. What’s up with you lately? I haven’t seen you look this happy since…hell, I don’t know when.” Hunter stopped himself from saying, “Since you were with Nils.”

He’d heard rumors that they might have reconciled but he didn’t want to take any chances and spoil the mood. Davey just smiled and turned towards Jade, awaiting his welcome.

Jade kept his back to him and continued stringing a guitar, ignoring all their antics. Hunter and Adam exchanged questioning glances.

Davey was hurt but not surprised. He quietly approached Jade and laid his hands on his shoulders. He felt Jade stiffen under his touch but began to gently massage him anyway. After a few moments, he leaned down and wrapped his arms around Jade’s shoulders and said, “I missed you, Jade.”

He knew Jade disliked such open displays of affection but Davey couldn’t help it. He wondered for a moment if Nils was worth this but he really had no choice – he couldn’t live without him. Jade would just have to accept it.

Davey was roused from his worries by Jade’s voice.

“So?” The suspicion was evident.

“So…what?” Davey asked with trepidation.

“Are you with him?”

Davey was silent, not wanting to say anything that might inflame him.

“I guess that means yes.” The disappointment was obvious.

Davey circled around and dropped to the floor at Jade’s knees. He took his hands in his own and spoke softly. “Listen, Jade. Nils did nothing wrong. He doesn’t deserve your hatred. He misses you…”

Jade cut him off with a derisive snort. “Jesus, Davey, you don’t have to bullshit me. But then you’ve been doing that for a long time now, haven’t you? Why couldn’t you come to me? Why’d you shut me out?”

Davey sighed in exasperation. “Jade, if you’d believe me, I’d tell you everything…” But Davey lost his nerve. How could he explain something he didn’t understand himself?

“Just…please don’t make me choose. I can’t.” The pleading in Davey’s eyes broke Jade’s heart a little.

Jade shook his head in defeat. He looked down at Davey with a wan smile and asked, “What can I say to that?”

Davey leaned forward and hugged Jade’s legs in silent thanks. “Nothing,” he answered. Then he looked up and with his most charming smile, he said, “Let’s get to work, shall we?”

 

 

The crisis ended. Jade accepted that Nils made Davey happy, regardless of his opinion. They avoided discussing it and work on the new record progressed smoothly.

Nils’ recovery mentor, Nathan, had refused to answer his calls for awhile but eventually offered him his friendship, if not his support.

But Davey was haunted by Nils’ desperate inquiry of that night after the last Blaqk Audio show. Why had he treated Nils so abominably when he had meant the world to him?

That’s why he was standing on the quiet, residential San Francisco street. He reminded himself why he was there. He had to understand why he’d hurt Nils and driven him away. Now that Nils had allowed him back into his life Davey couldn’t risk losing him again. Against all logic, Nils seemed to trust him but he had to be sure he could trust himself.

He monitored his moods constantly, ever vigilant lest the rages and blackouts he’d been able to hide from everyone - except Nils, who’d been their victim - return. It was a deadly secret only he suffered to know.

He’d finally confided his fears to his physician. Tests came back negative and he was told it was probably psychological in origin so they suggested a round of antidepressants and in-depth therapy. He began the prescribed medications and after several months of stability, he felt ready to go deeper. So he found himself on this stranger’s doorstep.

Davey chewed nervously on his lipring. He glanced down at the business card in his hand and matched the address against the house number. It looked like any private residence in the quaint San Francisco neighborhood. He admitted it was inviting.

Dr. Tarantino was supposedly one of the best psychotherapists in the city and rarely had an opening for a new client. Fortunately, Davey’s friendship with his niece gave him an advantage.

He jumped when the door was opened by a handsome man in his fifties. Davey noted how stylishly he was dressed and groomed. He highly doubted this was the receptionist. He was face to face with the doctor himself.

“Mr. Marchand?” The man smiled warmly and opened the door wide, gesturing for him to enter. Davey removed his sunglasses and followed him inside. Here, he hoped he would find the truth.

THE END

 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=7270>


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